From Mercedes-Benz’ press release for the new 2016 GLE450 AMG Coupe: Compared to a riding lawnmower, the GLE450 AMG Coupe is a true sports car, and as long as the grass isn’t wet, will be nearly as capable offroad.  Self-assured presence in the Nordstrom’s parking lot is standard equipment.

Wait, I’m sorry, that’s just what it says between the lines.  The real press release says funny things like:  GLE Coupe displays attributes typical of coupes such as sportiness, dynamism and agility, while also exuding the self-assured presence, versatility and ruggedness of an SUV.

I admit I haven’t drank the luxury sports crossover Kool Aid yet; maybe there really is something about having a fast-ish sort-of-truck that is a perverse joy.  But it seems to me that if you are going to build a monster, you can’t just go halfway.  I want my rolling oxymoron to be relentlessly stupid and powerful enough to overcome any rational thoughts, like a Saturn V rocket breaking the pull of Earth’s gravity.

Unfortunately, the GLE Coupe doesn’t look like it’s going to be able to cash the check those AMG badges are writing.  The list of things the GLE450 AMG cannot do is going to be much longer than the list about what it does well.  It might have nearly 400 ft-lbs of torque, which is a good deal more than the BMW X6, but it’s going to need all of it to get those huge 22 inch wheels rolling.


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